Anonymous. (27 June 2000). Dear Stanton. E-mail to Stanton Peele.

AAer disagrees with attacking MM because of Audrey

Hi Stanton:

Reading the shocking news about Audrey Kishline is very sad — I say this as an AA member — because, unfortunately, it will be used by both sides of the debate to vilify the other, and reason will be the loser. Personally, I think it's wrong for anyone in AA to use this as an opportunity to attack moderation, because plenty of AAer's have fallen off the wagon (while still attending meetings) and gone out and done stuff just as bad. By the same token, I do believe there are some people who are probably kidding themselves by having a goal of moderate drinking. I mean, c'mon—you know and I know that there ARE some folks who, for whatever reasons, probably just shouldn't drink, and the day one of these persons, still shaky and hung over, says "Gee, I'm really O.K. with the idea of never drinking again"—well, I'll put A-1 Sauce on my hat and eat it.

I can relate to you something out of my own experience. After about five years of bottle-a-day drinking, I finally had a kind of nervous breakdown and decided that I really had to just quit. I had tried a dozen different techniques, told myself I had lots to be sober and happy about, that I should be happy and satisfied having just a couple—on and on and on. All of it very true. Didn't work. Still making a mess of my life. Totally illogical. I agree with you that we can't call alcoholism a disease, but I can also say that when you're waking up in the morning to another black terror — not again, why did I do this, why does this keep happening, what's wrong with me? — it sure as hell seems like something otherworldly and out of your control. Demon rum, like the old saying. But anyway: I told myself I had to quit totally.

Abstinence. The net result of this was two months later I was handcuffed to the wall of a police station, having at a BAC of .22. So you could say my crack at abstinence wasn't very good. And I'm guessing you're gonna say: see, AA told you you couldn't drink in moderation, and it became a self fulfilling prophecy! Only thing is, I hadn't gone to AA yet. My first meeting came a week later — I hadn't heard any of that stuff yet. So I can't pin the blame on AA thinking. Certainly, I tried to abstain on my own, wasn't enjoying it, and when I did finally relapse, I did so with a doozy. You would probably argue that an attempt at moderate drinking would have headed off my major binge, and you might be right. But the night I got busted was only marginally worse than a good many nights the previous year, when I had been using every resource at my disposal to be a moderate drinker. I think I was headed for trouble either way.

I can only say that my arrest was, I blush to admit, a blessing in disguise. I drank in AA for the first eight months, then got sick and tired, started to work with some of what they say, and have now been sober—mostly pretty happily so—for 2 1/2 years. I often wonder if I could ever drink again. But for now, I find I don't need it to have a rich and fulfilling life, and the risks associated with it are, for me at least, not worth the fun it provides. So for now, and I imagine for some time to come (maybe till the end) I'm sober.

Ron